Jordan Wins Middle America’s Most Cuckoo Congressperson Trophy
April 15, 2021
WASHINGTON (MT) Congressman Jim Jordan was sad all morning following the night that his good friend Steve King had been defeated in the Iowa Republican primary. By afternoon, however, he was feeling darn right scrappy after having some Jim time and thinking things over. Hadn’t his philosophical brother Steve gotten so many of the headlines by just being himself. Didn’t Steve win 10 Middle America Cuckoo awards in a row, while Jim hadn”t won a trophy since college wrestling. Of course, Steve had.
“With every new defeat, there is new opportunity,” Jim remembered a coach telling him one time, so with this 7th grade inspiration, he knew the mantle had been passed from his brilliant and clever brother Steve to himself. It would now be his time to shine, by just being Jim, the honest and free talking, red around the collar Jim Jordan.
In Jim Jordan’s words: “Getting the prestigious Cuckoo trophy proves that I am doing the right thing and pushing the right buttons, so people notice me, like those hardworking Americans, who through pollution, humidity and stubborn fact hating minds have slowed their cognitive abilities. God Bless each and every one! I will always appreciate their vote of confidence that has allowed me to keep being Jim in congress for over 14 years! Not the French fry eating (who are not freedom fry eating ) European or Californian who may snicker, but are suffering behind their masks with all those rules and regulations and going against our constituton. How much longer I ask, as I hold my Cuckoo trophy high in the air in victory, how much longer Dr. Fauci, how much longer am I going to have untreated CTE from all the sacrifice I made as a wrestler, with getting my head repeatedly smashed into the mat and always wearing my wrestling head gear as tight as possible, producing contstant headaches, because I thought it gave me an advantage wrestling. And how I never reported the sexual harrassment & assaults that occurred at Ohio St. when I was a coach there, not then, not now, because of the headaches, and how the headaches makes me an inmoral Christrian. When Dr. Fauci, when Dr. Fauci will it get better??? I am asking you when. I need an answer, when, when, when…??? I don’t need a body restraint, I need a date, Dr. Fauci.”
“How about a lobotomy, Jim?” A cool and collected Dr. Fauci replied.
“You be quiet Jim, or I am coming over to put you in a headlock again,” added Maxine Waters., as Jordan started to howl.
*This article & interview is sponsored by the National Academy of Traumatic Encephalopathy. (NATE)
